Monday, June 12, 2017

Delusions, Delusions, Delusions

The world is a delusion. Or maybe it is not. Who knows?

For me, I am increasingly fighting to keep my sanity, as I clutch my delusions close....

That I am an innovator entrepreneur and that I am building something that will see the light of the day and that it would make money, and that the world at large,including customers and self, will care.

That I am a significant human being and that I will leave some impact on something in this world.

That I matter to other people, and that they care about what happens to me.

That family consists of bonds forged by blood and togetherness, and that it is all worth it the long run.

That as a mother, I will have an impact on my childs life beyond my sojourn on this earth.

That as a wife, I have a role to play in my husbands life journey.

That as a daughter, my mother cares for me beyond her sustenance and upkeep.

That as a sister, my brothers care about the nurturing and love I offer them.

That as a member of my in-laws family, I exist, beyond the family member who got me in.

That as a friend, my friends want to see me and laugh with me often.

That I like the world, and that I like the people in it.

That I enjoy reading and music and meeting friends and travelling to see places and enjoy food.

That I matter, even to myself.

Delusions, delusions and delusions. If I let go of them, would I even know who I am and whether I should live?

But, the reality is much bigger than my delusions. Reality bites. Just no one really cares. Or matters. Not even I care about myself for too long.

Heck, not even this world will survive time. Not even this world matters. Impervious, non-caring, cold, no-impacting, useless. There is no God. There is no benign presence. There is no purpose. The world will come to its end some day. In the fullness of time, the sun will stop shining, the earth will stop spinning, and it will not matter to the universe. It will go on expanding as it always has been. Nature and existence are impervious.

Why worry about just me being worthless, of not being of consequence? So is the world, the sun, the moon and all the beautiful sensation causing sights, smells and touches. Its all delusional. It will all turn to dust. And to being non-consequential.

But ah, the last delusion of mine is not delusional. Of course, I matter to myself. Till the time I live, I matter to myself. I am of consequence to myself. I care about myself. That is all. It should be all.

But it isn't. It freaking isn't.