Sunday, September 7, 2014

Not willing to settle

We have this favorite place that we all want to be. We want to "settle down". It implies peace, calm and repose.

Parents urge their children to settle down. Young adults talk about settling down, after a bout of flings. Young kids are told to settle down and take a professional interest after they are done dabbling with many subjects. It is by and large expected that once people 'settle down', they will be happier.

For some reason, I hate that world. It seems to me that settling down is like a closing of hope, along with a refusal to look at opportunities of improvement. I have chosen to settle down at times when I found myself with people or places where I really wanted to be, and sure that this is what matched my desires and wants in every way.

I have somehow not managed to settle down for things in life, simply because it was time for me to settle down. It had to be just so. Not just because the time was ripe. When I have found myself at places which are not good enough. They are okay, not uncomfortable, but it does not match my desirability or quality bar. And when I am not settled down, I am restless, out of sorts, irritable and constantly pecking away at the situation so that it ups itself and gets to be where I want it to be. My friends tell me that the situation is good enough, and most people do not have the good fortune of having even half of what I have. But I am not willing to settle at half measures, and lower my bar. It can be the way I like it, and I will not rest till it is. Of course, often times, this is not in my control and I can only try, but I will be damned if I don't try till I have a breath in my body.

It is so so hard for me to give up. If it matters to me, I find it hard, very hard to admit that it isn't working out, close my options and walk out.

I drive myself nuts being this way. Stupidly persevering, when it is obvious to me that it would not work out. Stubborn and mulish.

Oh, why can't i just settle down? Accept things the way they are. Tell myself that this is exactly how God intended it best for me - and other such positive statements.

Its killing me, this not willing to settle.