Friday, March 9, 2012

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday, Sumi! If you had lived, you would have been seventeen today.

I am sorry that I could not give you the chance that you needed to live, survive and thrive. I am sorry that my womb pushed you out in this hostile world some 90 days before you were fully formed and ready. I am sorry that I could not save you from the Psuedomona Bacillus, even though we all tried so hard. I am sorry that you could never suckle at my breast, though I did manage to feed you with expressed milk. I am sorry that you suffered pain due to my efforts to save you. I know those needles and tubes must have hurt you - I am sorry, child, I truly am.

I am sorry that I trusted your doctor too much and did not seek a second opinion. I am sorry that I once plonked you in the bed hard when you were crying so much. I was tired darling, and I hadn't slept for nights, but thats a sorry excuse. I should not have done that.

I am sorry I did not fight with your father to buy you the finest and the nicest clothes to dress you up in. I never thought you would go away. I thought I would have time enough to dress you up and play with you, baby...

I am sorry that the world including me, was too hostile, for someone defenseless like you, with your gentle heart and soul.

It seems to me that you only came to tell me, your mother that she was capable of bearing a child, and that her womb, uterus and breasts had a greater purpose than mere lust. Though none of them served you in any way. I could do nothing but harm you, my child, and not a day goes by when I do not curse myself for having been the instrument of such destruction to you.

You now have a younger sister, darling. She will be 15 this October. She is not born of the same unlucky womb that you were born from. She fills up the void that you left, darling, but not the place of my heart which you filled. You are forever in my heart, sweetie.

Stay well, wherever you were, darling. I know you are there somewhere in the universe. I hope the new place where you find yourself is better than the one you found with me. I know you will never want to meet me, in this universe and in your other lives, given the way I treated you in this world. I understand, my child. And I am sorry, from the bottom of my being.