Protection

I don't need your protection. I need you to know that I can protect myself. 

I don't need you to provide for me. I need you to know that I can provide for myself.

I don't need you to buy things for me. I need you to know that I can buy for myself.

I don't need you to tell me what to wear. I need you to know that I can decide for myself.

I don't need you to worship me. I need you to know that I am your equal.

The End That Was Not

The world was supposed to end on 21/Dec/2012. Or 22/Dec/2012. Whatever. But it did not.

For me, it wasn't such a great thing. I mean, the world not ending. If the world had ended, everyone I loved would have perished along with me. And that would have been good.

I have lost so many people to death that I am now terrified to lose a single more person. There are times when I am in a constant state of dread, wondering whose loss I would now have to bear. As I grow older, the losses pile up, and the bearing up becomes tougher and tougher. The guilt of having survived increasingly stings, and I wonder why I was not the person who was taken away. I would rather go as I am right now, though not very well, but still healthy, with no persistent pains. If I were to die, I would escape the increasing decay of the body, which I abhor, and more importantly, avoid the pain of losing more loved ones.

In my quieter moments, I increasingly find myself mulling over my losses. I can't shake myself out of the nameless panic of going steadily downhill on the road of life. Worse, I no longer find myself looking forward to any gains, only a string of losses.

Except from the direction of my daughter. Bless her.

The body remembers little

TOTD: The hurt that a physical body receives is forgotten by it almost within hours. Emotional hurts live forever, as painful memories, which define the way we navigate our lives.

How I wish I could train my mind to be like my body. Hurt today, gone tomorrow.

Indifferent World

TOTD: It is hard to get used to the callousness of the world and human beings.

The callousness is not deliberate or intentional. It is part and parcel of living beings and nature. The world and the people in it are largely indifferent, self-absorbed in themselves and their lives. If you get impacted by their living, their actions or their emotions, that is for you to sort out.

It is hard for me to sort it out.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday, Sumi! If you had lived, you would have been seventeen today.

I am sorry that I could not give you the chance that you needed to live, survive and thrive. I am sorry that my womb pushed you out in this hostile world some 90 days before you were fully formed and ready. I am sorry that I could not save you from the Psuedomona Bacillus, even though we all tried so hard. I am sorry that you could never suckle at my breast, though I did manage to feed you with expressed milk. I am sorry that you suffered pain due to my efforts to save you. I know those needles and tubes must have hurt you - I am sorry, child, I truly am.

I am sorry that I trusted your doctor too much and did not seek a second opinion. I am sorry that I once plonked you in the bed hard when you were crying so much. I was tired darling, and I hadn't slept for nights, but thats a sorry excuse. I should not have done that.

I am sorry I did not fight with your father to buy you the finest and the nicest clothes to dress you up in. I never thought you would go away. I thought I would have time enough to dress you up and play with you, baby...

I am sorry that the world including me, was too hostile, for someone defenseless like you, with your gentle heart and soul.

It seems to me that you only came to tell me, your mother that she was capable of bearing a child, and that her womb, uterus and breasts had a greater purpose than mere lust. Though none of them served you in any way. I could do nothing but harm you, my child, and not a day goes by when I do not curse myself for having been the instrument of such destruction to you.

You now have a younger sister, darling. She will be 15 this October. She is not born of the same unlucky womb that you were born from. She fills up the void that you left, darling, but not the place of my heart which you filled. You are forever in my heart, sweetie.

Stay well, wherever you were, darling. I know you are there somewhere in the universe. I hope the new place where you find yourself is better than the one you found with me. I know you will never want to meet me, in this universe and in your other lives, given the way I treated you in this world. I understand, my child. And I am sorry, from the bottom of my being.

TOTD

Where does one go when one is tired of being oneself?