Protection

I don't need your protection. I need you to know that I can protect myself. 

I don't need you to provide for me. I need you to know that I can provide for myself.

I don't need you to buy things for me. I need you to know that I can buy for myself.

I don't need you to tell me what to wear. I need you to know that I can decide for myself.

I don't need you to worship me. I need you to know that I am your equal.

The End That Was Not

The world was supposed to end on 21/Dec/2012. Or 22/Dec/2012. Whatever. But it did not.

For me, it wasn't such a great thing. I mean, the world not ending. If the world had ended, everyone I loved would have perished along with me. And that would have been good.

I have lost so many people to death that I am now terrified to lose a single more person. There are times when I am in a constant state of dread, wondering whose loss I would now have to bear. As I grow older, the losses pile up, and the bearing up becomes tougher and tougher. The guilt of having survived increasingly stings, and I wonder why I was not the person who was taken away. I would rather go as I am right now, though not very well, but still healthy, with no persistent pains. If I were to die, I would escape the increasing decay of the body, which I abhor, and more importantly, avoid the pain of losing more loved ones.

In my quieter moments, I increasingly find myself mulling over my losses. I can't shake myself out of the nameless panic of going steadily downhill on the road of life. Worse, I no longer find myself looking forward to any gains, only a string of losses.

Except from the direction of my daughter. Bless her.

The body remembers little

TOTD: The hurt that a physical body receives is forgotten by it almost within hours. Emotional hurts live forever, as painful memories, which define the way we navigate our lives.

How I wish I could train my mind to be like my body. Hurt today, gone tomorrow.

Indifferent World

TOTD: It is hard to get used to the callousness of the world and human beings.

The callousness is not deliberate or intentional. It is part and parcel of living beings and nature. The world and the people in it are largely indifferent, self-absorbed in themselves and their lives. If you get impacted by their living, their actions or their emotions, that is for you to sort out.

It is hard for me to sort it out.