Nature does not give a damn!

I woke up to the chirping of birds today morning. Which was surprising as I live in a large upscale apartment block - which means it has humans living in building surrounded by manicured lawns, artistically cut trees, pleasant smelling flowers and pretty looking bushes, all designed to please the human senses. None of which attract too many birds, though several pigeons flap around all day.

But today was different. It was a janata curfew day to fight the COVID19 disease, and human activity was ordered to a grinding halt with humans being ordered to strictly stay indoors. The past few days had seen the traffic come down to a trickle, and raucous noises of kids and adults had quitened down to being just twittering of smiles and squeals.

And today, the birds were chirping. Not just chirping, I think some of them were screaming their tiny lungs out. I had forgotten how noisy birds could be, familiar as my ears had become to honks, screeching of tyres and elevator messages.

I found myself involuntarily smiling and luxuriating in their sounds. Birdsong is soothing. Reminded me of my younger days, when I woke up at peacocks screaming and streets smelling of bird shit. And then I remembered why there was the curfew and the dread of COVID-19 came and hit me on the chest, a body blow of dread and foreboding.

The birds are singing because we, the humans, have quietened down. This song is not for soothing me. This is their triumph. They are immune to this obnoxious virus, but it is our mortal enemy. I feel cheated - how can the birds chirp and sing lustily when we are cowering in fear? Do we not feed them? Do we not keep seeds out for them to eat on the bird basins which build? Do we not stitch together their wings when they are injured? And look at them now, singing in abandon, mocking us!

The birds flew past me as I stood in the balcony. It caused a flutter loud enough to snap me out of my lazy thoughts and sleep. I saw them make a graceful curve and settle down on the champa tree. Then, the chirping began again.

Then, it hit me. They are happy this is happening to us. They are happy they can reclaim the sound waves. They are happy that there are no noxious fumes in the air. They are happy there are no people shooing them away. They are just nestling back into mother natures lap, and expressing delight in their moment. We humans have robbed them of so much, so so much. And we expect them to think of us as their friends just because we give them seeds? Ha, of course they won't!

The Champa tree though was just there the way it always is. Graceful and fragrant as always. It does not care about the birds sitting on its branches, it does not care that its flowers are fragrant to us. It just is. It does not seem to be affected by our cowering down. It is just the way it always is. It is just being itself.

That itself is just plain old nature. Mother Nature really does not care, does she, about us humans? Whether we respect her or not, whether we exploit her, or mine her, or rape her or harvest food for us out of her. Whether we are living or dying. Whether there is a virus that is killing us. She just is. Nature does not give a damn!

Overwhelmed...

The past week, or rather past one month, has been overwhelming to say the least.

The first was the spat about moving the work space. Which brought me eye to eye on the work situation and made me see the situation as it actually was. Not with hope, not with despondency, but just what it was. And it wasn't pretty. Not just in terms of work that remains to be done, but also in terms of when one could hope to complete it, with the current state, current team and present state of mind of all concerned. Pretty pretty grim.The decision is still WIP, but it needs to be done. '

Then, there was the issue of facing up to the domestic tyrant, and having a youngster face up to it, rather than me. Again, a day of rude awakening, to see the writing on the wall, and my having a complete meltdown about it. I was surprised by the meltdown, I hadnt expected to feel the anger I felt, the despondency I felt and the sense of having let it all go. But then, the tyrant woke up and saw for itself the situation, gave assurances with concrete action that would be taken, with immediate changes, and somehow the crisis passed. I was close to throwing in the towel, I must say that though.

Then, the case of tax terrorism and returning from the brink of it, so much so that one had to return after completing half a leg of the journey. Consulting the laws on the run and deciding to come back. Brinkmanship. But looking back today, perhaps a good decision. Though only time will tell.

And then the pandemic that is sweeping the world, carona virus. The anxiety to beat other anxieties. More so because of my health condition. And now, the continuing house-stay due to it. And reading the news of death, of risk and of impunities taken by others due to ignorance or callousness.

The last straw being the discussion today about the psychosis and the need to get a loved one admitted to a hospital to treat it. Mind numbing. I am at the ropes, barely standing.

I want this week to end. And end well. But it won't. The worst is yet to come. Have no more strength to even brace myself. I shudder to think what the next hour will bring.

And I think of a few more times when I was in a situation like this. At a desk, at a hospital. At a NICU ward.I am beginning to panic....Save me, please. Someone save me.

Anxiety stumps reason

When dealing with an anxious person, a reasonable person has to give in and agree to what the anxious person wants to do. Anxiety and fear wins, reason fails. And then whatever harm comes due to the actions flowing from anxiety, the anxious person and the reasonable person both have to deal with it, as devastating it may be..

The other alternative is move away, phusically and emotionally from the anxious person.

No third way. 

The importance of Touch

Touch. Skin.

Seldom discussed, but a very important aspect of personal and intimate relationships. Words and thoughts fall short when you need comfort, security, nurturing and love. All it needs is the comfort of a familiar cuddle, a brush on the arm, a kiss, a pat on the head, a light caress on the cheek, a warm caccoon of a hug, sometimes just a piece of grass thrown towards you.

Ah, the bliss of a touch....

Life Risk Matrix

Life risks that we routinely take
1. Money - Better to lose money than to lose time over something/someone. Money lost can always be earned with skill and hard work. Plus money risked and lost will teach you how to treat and respect money, so some early losses can help you grounded and teach you the skill of making peace with some risked-and-lost money.

2. Time - Better to lose time and money than to lose sleep being disturbed over someone/something. Time once lost will never come back, but you will learn the skill of not risking too much time over something that you are not getting better at.

3. Emotion - Better to lose emotional attachment towards someone than to lose your own health. There is enough kindness and love out there in the world. You can build relationships with other people, if one goes bad, with honesty, integrity, care and love.

4. Health - Never risk health and well being over anything for a long term. A slightly damaged health can be recouped back with some solid work on body and mind. Not so for long term risks such as long term smoking, drinking, gluttony, laziness, work-alcoholism and substance abuse.

5. Reputation - Never risk reputation as it severely damages your social presence, much more than the harm done. Also, once damaged, your social connections will always remember that and you will never be able to walk away from that narrative. The narrative itself will paint the act with 10 times more ferocity than the act itself. This risk is also the most insidious of it all, as it would spew out from thousand mouths, behind your back and hidden by social banalities. This is also the one risk that is most difficult to salvage. Stay away from dubious people, un-ethical ventures and unscrupulous people.

These are learnings from my own life.

As I look back at my own life and my own decisions regarding life risk, I find that I have :

1. Fretted the most about money decisions, been penny wise and pound foolish several times.
2. Been reckless with my time, spending it on tasks that gave me no pleasure and added no skill.
3. Tolerated toxic emotions too long due to stupid social norms such as "What-would-people-think" and soul-deadening thoughts such as "I-am-not-good-enough-to-come-first"
4. Been careless about health by being lazy and indisciplined about my eating, exercising and sleep habits, taking my body for granted, beautiful though it is.
5. Have ignored the attacks made on my reputation, choosing to not standing up for myself, and avoiding the unpleasant dirty insinuations, as the slander came from once-loved people.

So, be careful of what you do and with whom, be careful to rest well and eat well, be mindful about your own interests and passions, be aware of how you spend your time and build skills and relationships with it, and do risk some money for buying whatever money can buy - experiences, hire people and buy things that give you pleasure.

Papa and his love lives on in my heart

Papas passing away was the largest impact event of my life. My life today would have been in a different trajectory if he was not snatched away so cruelly. I miss him terribly every single day, and strive to be a daughter that he would have been proud of.

At this moment, I look at my daughter and have only one thought. Papa passed away due to an accident, something he could not help, but my daughter should not have to go through this pain. Each of us, when we become a parent, have the responsibility of being as healthy and as careful as we can, so that we are not snatched away from our children due to our avoidable irresponsibility. It's a sacred relationship, that of a parent with a child. Whatever the age of the child, whatever worldly success, whatever other significant relationships - a parent loves like no other, is needed like no other, at ALL stage of life.

I am grateful for Papas love. He stayed too less, but his love has illuminated every second of my life. His love fuels me everyday, every hour. His absence feels like a physical pain to me, and will probably be so, till the time I live.

I miss you, papa...

Delusions, Delusions, Delusions

The world is a delusion. Or maybe it is not. Who knows?

For me, I am increasingly fighting to keep my sanity, as I clutch my delusions close....

That I am an innovator entrepreneur and that I am building something that will see the light of the day and that it would make money, and that the world at large,including customers and self, will care.

That I am a significant human being and that I will leave some impact on something in this world.

That I matter to other people, and that they care about what happens to me.

That family consists of bonds forged by blood and togetherness, and that it is all worth it the long run.

That as a mother, I will have an impact on my childs life beyond my sojourn on this earth.

That as a wife, I have a role to play in my husbands life journey.

That as a daughter, my mother cares for me beyond her sustenance and upkeep.

That as a sister, my brothers care about the nurturing and love I offer them.

That as a member of my in-laws family, I exist, beyond the family member who got me in.

That as a friend, my friends want to see me and laugh with me often.

That I like the world, and that I like the people in it.

That I enjoy reading and music and meeting friends and travelling to see places and enjoy food.

That I matter, even to myself.

Delusions, delusions and delusions. If I let go of them, would I even know who I am and whether I should live?

But, the reality is much bigger than my delusions. Reality bites. Just no one really cares. Or matters. Not even I care about myself for too long.

Heck, not even this world will survive time. Not even this world matters. Impervious, non-caring, cold, no-impacting, useless. There is no God. There is no benign presence. There is no purpose. The world will come to its end some day. In the fullness of time, the sun will stop shining, the earth will stop spinning, and it will not matter to the universe. It will go on expanding as it always has been. Nature and existence are impervious.

Why worry about just me being worthless, of not being of consequence? So is the world, the sun, the moon and all the beautiful sensation causing sights, smells and touches. Its all delusional. It will all turn to dust. And to being non-consequential.

But ah, the last delusion of mine is not delusional. Of course, I matter to myself. Till the time I live, I matter to myself. I am of consequence to myself. I care about myself. That is all. It should be all.

But it isn't. It freaking isn't.